As I sit here

and try to figure out where I went wrong, I can never pinpoint any specific instance. Even though everyone says it's not my fault, it's bullshit. I certainly contributed to her sadness. It's a fact and reality.

As I suspected, she left the long term rehab she was at, last Sunday. Nobody knew where she was for 2 days. She ended up leaving with a heroin addict, who she met in the first place. All I knew was that she was in "Southie", South Boston. I guess I'm very resourceful when it comes to finding people, because I found her. Her bf and I called her and she said she was clean, but wanted to get out of where she was and come back home.

After thinking about it, I weighed all of her options and decided to get her. Biggest mistake, I know. But at least if something happened to her, I'd be more likely to get notified. At least that's what I keep telling myself.

I told her I was going to drug test her when I got there. Another mistake .. We found her, her bf went into the bathroom with her and she pissed in the cup. The almighty cup, that was going to decide her days to come. The test ended up showing positive for THC. I knew that was a joke. Instantly I told her bf if he took that for her, I'd leave both of them there. He insisted he didn't and wouldn't. Well, nobody was going to make a fool out of me, other than myself I guess. I bought another one, went in with her myself and had her once again, spill her liquid insides. Waiting for the results in the car was horrendous, to say the least. Results showed up right away, but you have to be a freaking chemist to understand them! Who the hell makes those anyways? With how expensive they are, it should be a no brainer.

She tested positive for THC-Marijuana, COC-Cocaine, OPI-Opiates (Heroin), BZO-Benzodiazepines, TCA-Tricyclics Antidepressants, and last but not least..OXY-Oxycodone.

All of that in a matter of two days. WTF What does a parent do with information like that? Fuck if I know.

First test, she had someone else's piss in a balloon, in her underwear. DISGUSTING! I wanted to drive us all into the Charles River, that was sitting there in front of me.

Lots of crying, and "why" went on. Absolutely no point. She ended up coming back with us.

Her bf was afraid to leave her side, so he agreed to getting a hotel for them and help her find, yet again, another detox.

Never happened.

It's been over a week and they just ran out of money Monday. Her bf came to my house that night bawling his eyes out because my daughter, my baby girl, has resorted to "dancing" for nasty fuckers on the side of the road, for money. Couldn't get ahold of her the whole night and literally worried myself sick, to the point of puking. Next morning she shows up looking for her bf. I ended up talking to her on the deck and still .. No hopes or signs that she wants anything other than "my tent" to sleep in. Are you fucking kidding me right now?!?! She says she slept on a bench. All while her talking, she's drooling and filthy. Whatever she was saying to me didn't matter. I could not get past the fact that she was so dirty.

I left for about 1/2 an hour. In that time managed to call the crisis center for resources for her, I couldn't just not do anything. What kind of mother does that to her child? A very smart and strong one, that's who.

I got home and she was gone with her bf. Of course, she couldn't leave without that list of numbers I had, that could "save" her. I went around the neighborhood and found her. She was getting food. Who the fuck can eat at a time like this?

She got in my car and we talked for a minute and I gave her the list. She wanted me to give her a ride to the bus station, which is a junkie haven. I said the only place I would bring her was to her church to seek help. Her bf told her he wanted to go with me. Here comes the guilt trip!!! She proceeded to climb in the back of my car to plead with him not to leave her. She went crazy. The whole time I'm telling her to get out of my car and thinking "yay" this kid has grown some balls. Maybe this will make her hit rock bottom. I ended up having to physically drag her out of my car. While doing so she was struggling with me to get back in. Wasn't happening. Thank god I know how to choke hold someone .. especially my daughter. What a fucking joke!! I ended up screaming for someone to call 911 and 4 cop cars came. We all told "our" side, separately to the cop. She could've pressed charges against me for being physical. The bf shakes the cops hand, thanks them for their help and my daughter, with her dirty ass, thanks them as well. The cop comes over, says my daughter is a big girl now and that her and her bf are going to walk off into the sunset together. His exact words. Oh yeah, and "I done well Mom".

After analyzing what I did wrong with this whole situation, it wasn't a difficult decision to put all of Bryan and Alyssa's belongings outside. He is no longer welcome in my home. He can enjoy this hell ride that Alyssa is on.

I myself, am looking for the nearest stop to get off.

I'm getting there.