Just Realized

I just realized that Alyssa is MY addiction. Sounds pretty stupid, but it's true. She is constantly in my thoughts. I obsess about her day and night. Maybe this is normal? Maybe not..

I'm just waiting for the phone to ring and for her to be on the other end, crying and needing me. Dreading what I "need" to say to her and me not being able to stick with this whole "letting her go" idea. What exactly is that supposed to mean? Do I ignore her? Not accept her calls? Turn my back on her, when she needs me most? Do I drive and bring her things she needs? That's certainly not letting her go, is it? 

I constantly wonder what an aggravation I am to my friends. It seems all I ever do is have bad news to tell them about her. I have distanced myself almost completely from everyone I love. Who wants to hear the same old shit all the time come out of my mouth? It really sucks because I am otherwise a very positive person. I love seeing happiness in others and seeing people smile.. but I can tell, I am becoming angrier and I'm losing little bits of that happiness. But I am resilient! At least that is what my therapist says, lol I will try my hardest to not let this get the best of me. 

I was told recently, not to forget the importance of embracing the "12 Steps" into my own life. One question .. Can I get a sponsor? (yes, that's sarcasm)



~MY BEST FRIEND~
Today I found a friend,
Who knew everything I felt.
She knew my every weakness,
And the problems I've been dealt.

She understood my wonders,
And listened to my dreams.
She listened to how I felt about life and love,
And knew what it all means.

Not once did she interrupt me,
Or tell me I was wrong.
She understood what I was going through,
And promised she'd stay long

I reached out to this friend
To show her that i care
To pull her close and let her know
How much I need her there

I went to hold her hand
To pull her a bit nearer
And realized that this perfect friend I found
Was nothing but my mirror.

A community of concerned parents

http://intervene.drugfree.org/

My daughter is a 21 year old, drug addict..

I don't even know where to start..

Today was a horrible day. I've made a decision to let my daughter go. Hardest decision I've ever had to make and I am completely heartbroken and lost.

My daughter Alyssa, is 21 years old and a drug addict who also has contracted Hep C. She's been battling drug addiction ever since she was about 16. It started with her downing bottles of Delsym and a trip to the ER. Ever since then, it's been everything from Xanax to stealing my cans of Dust Off to Heroin. And everything else in between.

She's in a 6 month, long term rehab facility, on the other side of the state. This is the first time, out of so many I've lost count, that she's been somewhere away from home. Today is her first day there, coming from a court ordered detox facility, that I had petitioned the court to send her to.

This will be her 3rd, 6 month long term facility she's been in. She was kicked out of the others for not being serious enough. Although, she will make up every other excuse as to why she had to leave.

I am not going to sugar coat anything on here. This is for me, not her. She has a choice in this situation and I, on the other hand, do not and I'm pretty pissed about that right now. I am just along for the ride.

I'm not a good writer and I may say some things certain people won't like, but fuck it. This is me, how I feel and how I am going to attempt to get through this. If you don't like it, don't read it. It's really very simple.

So, I will be writing down my feelings.. feel free to follow along. If you don't have something nice to say, keep it to yourself.

Until tomorrow ..