Trying..

Past few days have been really stressful. Drove to Boston to bring Alyss some necessities. Where do I draw the line? Am I not supposed to help her when it comes to things like these? I'm not sure .. She clearly can't wear the same underwear for 29 days and start to feel better. I got to hug her and kiss her cheek. I tried to be very positive for her .. But this is the first time I wasn't excited to see her. I think she could see it in my exhausted eyes. I only have about 1% hope left and I honestly feel in my heart that she will always be this way. This is my daughter, whether I like it or not. I'm not happy with this fact at all. But is that selfish? I love her, but I do not like who her disease has turned her into. Addiction robs you of your soul and just keeps feeding on it.

Alyssa's boyfriend is staying w/ us for 2 weeks to try to get back on his feet. He and Alyssa got arrested, after she bought the 3 bags of heroin. He didn't have anyone to bail him out so he had to stay in Ludlow for about 30 days. He called me from the bus station with nowhere to go. His grandmother kicked him out because of my daughter. He just got a very good job right before this all happened and now lost it, as he was a "no show" when they got arrested. How can he be so stupid? And he still wants to be with her? Why? Who wants to go down this shitty road when they don't have to?Why the fuck should I feel like I have to help him? Why me? Clearly I can't just leave him in the streets. Can I? Is my heart that cold?

I don't know what the right thing to do is .. I have no fucking clue.

But I'm trying and I'll learn.