Today, I'm blessed..

So much has happened. I don't really have the desire to write it all down yet but again, my heart breaks.

But, you know what .. it's OK. I know that I will make it through today because of all of the yesterdays. I'm stronger today and stronger than yesterday. It seems like I've been going through this for a lifetime .. I wonder if it feels that way for Alyssa. These years are supposed to be so much fun and should be all about finding yourself.. I hope she finds herself before it's too late.

I am so thankful for everything that I have in my life .. for my children, my husband, my family and my friends. I am blessed.

Today, I am blessed.

"You only need the light when it's burning low,
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow,
Only know you love her when you let her go.

Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missing home.
Only know you love her when you let her go,
And you let her go."

https://youtu.be/RBumgq5yVrA

Nobody cares.
Nobody gets it.
Nobody understands.
Nobody listens.

Feeling lonely is an understatement..

Same Play, same stage

How do you just let shit go? It's not fucking easy. Smile, smile some more.. doesn't matter anyways. Smiles won't help. It just masks the pain. I guess in a way we are quite similar. We're both in the same fucking boat, hoping for a better outcome, but it never comes.. The outcome is always the same. Fuck hope, fuck faith, fuck God and fuck you.

Merry fucking Xmas

Silence isn't always golden

Your silence says everything..

Almost completely

I feel so very sad for you .. Every day I think of you. I've given up almost completely, that things will ever change and get better. It's really hard to accept.

Even harder .. than saying goodbye.

How

How do people get through this?

I miss my daughter so much.

I'm trying to make today a good day. A happy day. But it just seems so difficult to not think about her.

I'm not a strong person. But that doesn't mean I'm not going to try or give up.

The sun is shining today and I'm blessed for everything I have in my life.

That's what I'm focusing on ..

today.

St. Patrick's Day

Apparently my daughter is trying to move to North Carolina with her boyfriend who she barely knows. Who also, is an addict.

They're also supposed to be getting married and everyone that knows this is just acting like it's no big deal. Just like they're acting like it's no big deal she's moving. I don't get it. Why is nobody questioning what happened to the "program" she was supposedly in? Why not? Why doesn't anyone, other than myself, question her?

Because they're smart, that's why. Why fucking bother torturing themselves.

She hasn't told me any of this. Hasn't even called me. Because she knows it's a fucked up idea, that's why and she knows I'll tell her that.

Doesn't anybody wonder or worry that she's a heroin addict in his family? Maybe I'm supposed to do the same thing. Just act like it's no big deal.

They'll wonder when she robs them blind.

She hasn't changed, she certainly isn't clean and she's still sick. So her actions are going to be the same there. Lying, stealing, cheating, hiding and getting sicker.

Only two ways out of that mess. North Carolina or anywhere else.

In JAIL or DEAD.

Still waiting for that fucking phone call.

Goodbye Alyssa ...

Yup

FUUUUUUCCCKKKKK!!!!

All I got right now

And

I'm sick of waiting...



Aren't you?

SCARS FROM A MEMOIR

"She was a shell, with no conscience, no life in her veins, no light in her soul. The only thing living in her body was heroin." ~ Scars From A Memoir

Alyssa,

Beauty exists beyond the visions that you have in your nods. I promise you it does...

Love, 

Mom

Dear Child,

I found this on SoberRecovery and couldn't have said it better myself

Dear Child

 Dear Child, 

I write this letter to you, not out of anger or hate, but out of love. 

You are my dear child and I have never, even for one minute, stopped loving you, though you may think that I have. Whenever you were ill, I gladly got up in the middle of the night to attend to you and to watch over you with a prayer on my lips - such was my love for you. I want you to know this.

Today you suffer from a life-threatening disease. This is not your fault and I do not hold you responsible for having caught it. I also know that this is a very hard disease from which to recover. Achieving sobriety and abstinence is fraught with pain and tears and will be the hardest journey you will ever take. If I could do it for you, I would, even at the cost of my own life.

But I can’t.

I know that this mountain has to be climbed by you and by you alone. No one can recover for you. No one can be appointed to do it in your stead. It must be your journey out of the darkness into the light. 

I have read many books, spoken to many people, all who represent the collective knowledge of thousands upon thousands who have suffered from your disease. Without exception they all say the same thing. Only you can "do whatever it takes" to stop your insanity.

But you won’t.

You have given me never-ending reasons why you can’t take this journey. I have heard every possible "rationalization" from you. I have lain awake so many nights doubting my own sanity because the things you said made such sense. But now I know that you will only stop when you, and only you, have a burning desire to stop.

Which you don’t

Now I have come to realize that only two outcomes are possible. I accept this as absolute truth. Either you will stop, or you will die. That’s it, no in-between gray area. No other outcomes ... no other dreams for me. 

And so I have to prepare us for your death from this disease that you refuse to acknowledge. I know you think I’m strong.

But I’m not.

That is why I have to do whatever it takes to save our family from the pain that your destruction will cause us all. To this end, my dear child, it will be best if we part company, so that we will be spared the suffering of waiting for you to recover, or die. 

Which you will.

We must part company so that the 90% of our time, energy and inner strength that your brothers and sisters have been deprived of for so long now, be given to them before they too become dysfunctional because of our neglect of their needs. I fear that one day they will resent us for not giving them of our energy as we did for you. 

Please don’t think that we are doing this because we are angry with you. We are past that now. We are giving you the freedom to choose your own destiny. We just can’t share that choice with you. I am sure you think that we are abandoning you, We are not. We will be here, anxiously waiting for your knock at our door, instead of a policeman’s. 

All we ask is that you do not knock until you are completely substance free for at least a year and your life is back on track. 

If you choose not to take that path, then we will all respect your choice. Only, don’t ask us to share the consequences of that choice. Don’t ask us to hear your voice. Don’t ask us to contribute to your demise by giving you money, clothes, food or shelter. But most of all, don’t ask us to listen to the lies, the manipulation and the insanity.

Because we can’t.

So my dear child, it is now up to you. Go with God and go in peace. 

If you should develop a "burning desire" to become clean and sober, there are many fine institutions and clinics which are available to you. Some are even free, such as (Name) at (Telephone #). 

However, you will have to do it by yourself. Don’t even tell us about it. You just do whatever it takes to get a year’s clean time. We can’t do it for you. God knows I would if I could.

But I can’t.

Ever in my prayers … 
Your Mother

Christmas is over..

I just don't even know anymore.

I don't get it.

I don't understand.

I don't want to do this any longer.

I CAN'T do this any longer.

I have lost all faith that anything is ever going to change .. I've tried everything I can think of and it just doesn't matter. I know, ultimately, that it's up to you. I've tried to guide you in the right direction and you just do not want to see it. There is not one person in your family that has not tried.

The only one who hasn't, is you.

So many lives are affected by YOUR disease and you don't even care to try.

I just don't even know ..

I hope you find your way back Alyssa. Because the longer you wait, the farther away you get.

It's cold outside..

While I'm in my warm bed, I can't help but worry that my daughter might freeze tonight. She lives in a shithole and hasn't paid the $225 a week they are sucking out of her. She's going to go home from work and I just know the lady is going to kick her out.

I can't fucking stand this. I fucking hate this. I really, really hate that I can't take care of my daughter like normal mothers do. I cant welcome her into my warm home and give her a comfortable spot to rest her head.

I fucking hate this.

Time

It's always just a matter of time ... It is what it is. It's not even Halloween yet, but the different masks you are wearing, are all see through. Why even wear them? You're the only one who can't see through them and until you can, the sun is still going to come up the same way. Each and Every day.

Tent City

Well, my daughter now lives in a tent.

They made it somehow across the state, from the detox they were kicked out of.

She has blankets, a sleeping bag, her boyfriend and a loaf of bread and a jar of peanut butter. What more could a girl want?

She's haggling for spare change, in a college town not far from here. They call it "Spange-ing". Yes, she is one of those people, with the pieces of cardboard that want your spare change. This week she may be pregnant and homeless and in need of help, and next week she may be wanting to get back home to whatever her sharpie decides is easiest to write. Whatever the cardboard says, doesn't reflect what's really going on. Other than, this is a person in need. I will never look at these people again in the same way. My heart breaks and continues to break. I'm at the point where I'm sick of praying, nobody is listening anyways. Praying will not get my daughter clean.

On a positive note, she's alive and she actually looks a lot better than I do at this point. There are a lot more resources for help for them where they are. There is a "drop in" center where you can go in the morning and shower, and there is a meal provided at different places every day of the week. One meal, is better than no meal. They have been filling out job applications.

It's going to start getting a lot colder here in about a month or so ...

then what?

Fuck if I know.

Hope

I hope she knows how much I love her.

I hope she always knows this in her heart and I hope she carries it with her, always.

I have chosen not to take her phone calls. It's eating me alive and I have to stop it. Last I knew she was in Worcester and she lied to me, once again.

She kept calling me for the first couple days and it broke my heart not to answer. It was cold at night and all I wanted, was to know she was warm and ok.

Three days ago, the phone calls stopped. I have no idea where she is or if she's alive.

I hope she knows, in her heart, how much I love her.

Wherever she is, I hope she is carrying that with her.

Either way, there will be a phone call.

Best part about sleeping is no worrying and no crying..

http://www.russellbrand.tv/2011/07/for-amy/

Breathing

Every day it gets harder and harder to breathe.

This is what's been going on ..

Homelessness

Anger

Hurt

Worry

Sick to my stomach

Random bouts of crying

Is she alive or dead?

Disappointment

Prostitutes

Train tracks

Predators

Discouraged

Hopeless

Seconds where I'll forget and laugh

Friendship

Love

Help

Hospital visits

Seconds where I pray and no one listens

Mt. Tom

Making Alyssa laugh

Acceptance

Midnight drives to detox

Lies

Heartache

Worry

Fear

Headaches

Sleepless nights

Alone

Detachment

Struggle

This is my relationship with my daughter. In the midst of all that's happened over these past few days, I hold on very tight to the laughter and smiles. I may never get to see them again. They may be our last ones together. I cherish them with my heart. I see their beauty amongst all of the barriers of pain. I still see the little bit of glimmer. I'm afraid that it's going to go out like a flame on a candle. And all I will be left with are the puddles of wax.

Alone

It's so much worse when I'm alone. I've never even had a clue as to what the meaning of the word "worry" was until now.

I can't imagine how Alyssa feels right now. She must be scared to death.

and

Alone.

~The Battle~

The words that have yet been spoken
the things I need to say.
To voice what's within my heart
I just can't find a way.

I've fought with my emotions
I've held them deep inside.
I didn't want to face what for so long
you've tried to hide.

I've been lost within the dark
for so long I've seen no light.
Holding on to the memory
of a time when things were right.

I've looked upon your face
and seen the sadness in your eyes.
The battle of addiction
you no longer can disguise.

I've prayed to find the answers
of what I myself must do.
And I've prayed for the strength to fight
through the hell that I go through.

I've held on for so long
but I can no longer watch you die.
I cannot fight this for you
but lords knows how I've tried.

It's just so hard to watch the ones you love
slowly slip away.
That's why I just blocked it out
and held on to yesterday.

I don't have all the answers
or the power to save your soul.
Your broken, lost and lonely
and I cannot make you whole.

This fight is yours and yours alone
no matter what I do.
For I cannot save you
the only one who can
is you.

"I love you Alyssa"

As I sit here

and try to figure out where I went wrong, I can never pinpoint any specific instance. Even though everyone says it's not my fault, it's bullshit. I certainly contributed to her sadness. It's a fact and reality.

As I suspected, she left the long term rehab she was at, last Sunday. Nobody knew where she was for 2 days. She ended up leaving with a heroin addict, who she met in the first place. All I knew was that she was in "Southie", South Boston. I guess I'm very resourceful when it comes to finding people, because I found her. Her bf and I called her and she said she was clean, but wanted to get out of where she was and come back home.

After thinking about it, I weighed all of her options and decided to get her. Biggest mistake, I know. But at least if something happened to her, I'd be more likely to get notified. At least that's what I keep telling myself.

I told her I was going to drug test her when I got there. Another mistake .. We found her, her bf went into the bathroom with her and she pissed in the cup. The almighty cup, that was going to decide her days to come. The test ended up showing positive for THC. I knew that was a joke. Instantly I told her bf if he took that for her, I'd leave both of them there. He insisted he didn't and wouldn't. Well, nobody was going to make a fool out of me, other than myself I guess. I bought another one, went in with her myself and had her once again, spill her liquid insides. Waiting for the results in the car was horrendous, to say the least. Results showed up right away, but you have to be a freaking chemist to understand them! Who the hell makes those anyways? With how expensive they are, it should be a no brainer.

She tested positive for THC-Marijuana, COC-Cocaine, OPI-Opiates (Heroin), BZO-Benzodiazepines, TCA-Tricyclics Antidepressants, and last but not least..OXY-Oxycodone.

All of that in a matter of two days. WTF What does a parent do with information like that? Fuck if I know.

First test, she had someone else's piss in a balloon, in her underwear. DISGUSTING! I wanted to drive us all into the Charles River, that was sitting there in front of me.

Lots of crying, and "why" went on. Absolutely no point. She ended up coming back with us.

Her bf was afraid to leave her side, so he agreed to getting a hotel for them and help her find, yet again, another detox.

Never happened.

It's been over a week and they just ran out of money Monday. Her bf came to my house that night bawling his eyes out because my daughter, my baby girl, has resorted to "dancing" for nasty fuckers on the side of the road, for money. Couldn't get ahold of her the whole night and literally worried myself sick, to the point of puking. Next morning she shows up looking for her bf. I ended up talking to her on the deck and still .. No hopes or signs that she wants anything other than "my tent" to sleep in. Are you fucking kidding me right now?!?! She says she slept on a bench. All while her talking, she's drooling and filthy. Whatever she was saying to me didn't matter. I could not get past the fact that she was so dirty.

I left for about 1/2 an hour. In that time managed to call the crisis center for resources for her, I couldn't just not do anything. What kind of mother does that to her child? A very smart and strong one, that's who.

I got home and she was gone with her bf. Of course, she couldn't leave without that list of numbers I had, that could "save" her. I went around the neighborhood and found her. She was getting food. Who the fuck can eat at a time like this?

She got in my car and we talked for a minute and I gave her the list. She wanted me to give her a ride to the bus station, which is a junkie haven. I said the only place I would bring her was to her church to seek help. Her bf told her he wanted to go with me. Here comes the guilt trip!!! She proceeded to climb in the back of my car to plead with him not to leave her. She went crazy. The whole time I'm telling her to get out of my car and thinking "yay" this kid has grown some balls. Maybe this will make her hit rock bottom. I ended up having to physically drag her out of my car. While doing so she was struggling with me to get back in. Wasn't happening. Thank god I know how to choke hold someone .. especially my daughter. What a fucking joke!! I ended up screaming for someone to call 911 and 4 cop cars came. We all told "our" side, separately to the cop. She could've pressed charges against me for being physical. The bf shakes the cops hand, thanks them for their help and my daughter, with her dirty ass, thanks them as well. The cop comes over, says my daughter is a big girl now and that her and her bf are going to walk off into the sunset together. His exact words. Oh yeah, and "I done well Mom".

After analyzing what I did wrong with this whole situation, it wasn't a difficult decision to put all of Bryan and Alyssa's belongings outside. He is no longer welcome in my home. He can enjoy this hell ride that Alyssa is on.

I myself, am looking for the nearest stop to get off.

I'm getting there.